If I die young

Dear friends and family,

Promise me one thing. Never ever forget me, no matter happen ? Please ? For what I've done, forgive me ? Stand by me through my hard and easy ? Be there for me even I can't be there for you ? My voice, eyes, smiles, laughs, touches, smells, never forget ? The way I talk, the way I walk, and all my words, keep it inside you ?

I'm sorry for saying this but, If I die young, would you guys cry for me ? Will you regret on everything you've hurt me ? Will you miss our moments ? Will you miss my presence ? Will you forgive me ?

No. I'm not ready to leave you. There's much things I haven't reach. I'm not ready to leave everything behind.

DEAR FAMILY, if I die young, forgive me for what I've said, what I've done in this year of living. Thank you for always be there for me. I wish I could hear you guys call me adik like old times. Seriously. If I die young, could you guys continues my dream ? To run a bakery, to makes mak and abah proud of me. Could you guys miss me ? Are this house gonna lose its light ? I'm such a stubborn, selfish, egoistics, rude, never thankful, badmouth sister. I'm not istening to my family. I do everything without thinking. I'm sorry for everything happens. I blew up your anger, I against your words, I yelled at you, I'm sorry. You might not know who am I or what I've been through. I keep it safe inside me because I don't want you to worry. But you'll know. If I die young, I don't want much, I just want our memories and your prayers. Call me adik, please ? :')

DEAR FRIENDS, if I die young, I'm sorry for my words, my actions, that makes you feels uneasy when you're with me. I am no perfect. My mistakes, forgive me. Primary classmates and teachers, I know I hurt you much. Till it can caused the whole class hates me. I'm sorry. I was too young to acts like what you want. Secondary classmates, teachers and anyone who knows me, I didn't think before I talk. I cause a chaos between you, I'm sorry. I such a bad friend. Exboyfriends, thanks for the memories. Eventhough we're not been through many kinds of things, I still thanks to you for breaking my heart and teach me about guys. Crushes, thanks for crushing my hearts. I still don't know whether you're blind or I'm the one who stupid because waiting for you. Crushing my heart, thats what crush do. Thanks for all fakes hopes. If I die young, would you regret and feel bad for hurt me ? Would you feel sorry ? Collegues, I never tell the reason for me to laughs with no reason. Now, I tell you. I laughs because I won't let my tears drops infront of you. I don't want you to see and keep asking me the same question. Brilliant haa, covering with that methods ? I laughs too hard, I talk nonsenses, I hurt you, I'm sorry. If I die young, would you be my last friends ? Would you know my last secrets ?

If I die young, I don't want you to come closer near my dead body. I don't want you to come with your teary eyes. I don't even want to hear your voices crying. Why ? Because at that moment, I can't hug you for the last time. I can't wipe your tears. I can't be the one who calming you. All I can do is lying down with no lives and with my body can't moves.

If I die young, I want all of you was there until my last breath. I want you to remember me, everything about me. If I die young, always remember, I love you :')

Ever thought

Assalamualaikum :')

Sebenarnya, aku teringin sangat nak tahu. Kalau aku dah tak ada, korang sedih tak ? Korang rasa tak kepergian aku ? Korang menangis tak untuk aku ? Korang akan lupa kan aku ke nanti ?
Tak tahu kenapa time-time macam ni tergerak pulak hati aku nak tahu semua tu. Ada ke orang yang sedih bila aku tak ada. Apa reaksi korang bila tahu yang sebenarnya agaknya kan. Teringin sangat nak tahu. Hm

Actually, last week I've dreamt about this. I've dreamt about my death. Betul. Orang kata mimpi mainan tidur, aku tak ambil kisah sangat pasal mimpi tu. Cuma, mimpi tu buat aku terfikir, macam mana kalau mimpi tu jadi kenyataan one day ? :|

I've dreamt about cancer. I've got cancer, brain cancer. And I have no much time left. (Really hope, thats just a dream.) Dalam mimpi tu, aku tak bagitahu sesiapa pun pasal penyakit aku. Sebab aku taknak orang lain risau pasal aku. Sebab aku taknak layanan orang berbeza dengan aku because of that cancer. Hari-hari aku yang tinggal berlalu seperti biasa. Tak ada yang berubah. Aku. Dia. Ataupun mereka.

I've think. Kalau betul, korang buat apa ? Korang. Sedih tak ? Korang menangis untuk aku tak ? Korang. Rindu aku tak nanti ?

Sometimes, aku teringin sangat nak tahu, kalau aku tak ada, korang rindu tak bila aku gelak sorang-sorang tak tentu pasal ? Kalau aku tak ada, korang akan ingat kat aku tak ? Aku teringin sangat nak tahu, apa situasi kat tempat yang aku selalu ada, tapi tiba-tiba aku dah tak ada. Awkward tak ? Korang rindu tak kehadiran aku ? Korang rindu tak perangai aku yang mengada-ngada tu ?

Kalau aku dah tak ada, aku nak sangat tahu, korang menyesal tak, buat aku macam tu masa aku ada ? Crush aku, kau menyesal tak sebab buat aku kecewa ?

Memang orang kata, tak baik cakap pasal mati. Macam nak sangat benda tu terjadi. Aku bukan nak sangat, aku cuma nak tahu. Aku tak minta apa yang aku mimpi tu terjadi. Tapi semua orang akan mati kan. Even haiwan dengan tumbuhan pun akan mati. Aku cuma terfikir keadaan lepas aku pergi. I just wondering and thought about that. Was that wrong ? I guess its not, right ? :')

Two Years of Waiting :')

In this two years, do you know what I've been through ? You've know what happen ? Obviously, you'll never know. because you don't even want to know. right ? :)

In this two years, I've realized, you're not belong with me. We're not meant to be. You've ignored me. You've take me for granted. You have no differences with other. 

In this two years, I've know, I should forget you. I should believe you hate me. but I'm not. because I still believe that one day, you will take me, even as your friend. 

In this two years, many things happen that almost make me lose hope on you. but I hold.

In this two years, I should forget you and leave you with your life. I should give up on you. but I'm not. 

In this two years, I have two options. To move on OR to stay waiting for you. You know which one that I have choose ? 

At first, I choose to move on. I did. but only for a few weeks. I can't. I don't know why I can't let you out of my mind. Untuk kali yang tak terkira, aku cuba lupakan kau. Aku cuba biarkan kau dengan hidup kau yang nampaknya bahagia sekarang. Tapi aku sedar, aku tak boleh. sebab aku dah biasa. Aku dah biasa tengok muka kau hari-hari, bercakap pasal kau hari-hari. Aku pernah cuba nak benci kau and I almost did tapi aku sedar, aku tak mampu. 

At last, I still choose to wait. To wait for you. I don't know why am I this dumb. I still choose to wait for you even you've said no for once. I supposed to know through the way you reply my text. How stupid am I. 

After two years, I've been living in the same hopes on you. I'm not hoping much, I just hope that you notice my presence. That's it.

I'll never get tired of waiting for you. and I always did.

Before, for now, for upcoming days, I'm still here waiting for you. My eyes still cries for you. My heart still has some space for you. My dream still have you in it. My tears still because of you. My ears still wait for your voices. My smiles and laughs still for you to see. My everything still is you. 

For the last time, I admit that I still have crush on you since two years ago. and now, my hopes on you never change. NEVER CHANGE , M.E.S ! :')

YOU'RE GONNA BE MINE !

Sorry. but I gonna make sure that you're mine. One day. 

I'll do everything to be with you. I'll make an effort just to make sure that my day bright because of you. I don't care if I'm hurt because of you. I'll wait for you even for a thousand years. I don't care if you've love someone else. As long as I be able to be with you in every single day. Do you know why ? Cause I'm in love with you. Deeply in love. and I'll make sure that you gonna madly in love with me. 

No. I won't say anything. You can take this relationship as a friend for now. But until that day, you're gonna know that this relation doesn't work as a friend. Take me as you want. A friend, a sister, anything ! I don't care. As long I know that I still in your mind. 

For now, do whatever you want. Say whatever you want. Hate me as you pleased. 

Cause one day, YOU'RE MINE ! :)

The Day will Come... Oneday :)

In this life, we could never expect anything to happen. Yes. We might plans but we can't make sure that will happen. Sometimes, things that we'd never expect, happen to us and the things we want it happen badly, didn't happen as we pleased :( 

No matter how hard we've been through this life, we have to take it. Never lose. Stay to be who we are. Even if our friends left us when needed, never lose hope. No. I never ask you to hope for them to come back for us, just never give up on what happen. STAY STRONG. Thats all we need :) 

Never give up. Mungkin perkara yang kita nak sangat terjadi tu tak jadi sekarang tapi siapa tahu akan datang macam mana. Siapa tahu perkara yang kita nak dah lama dulu tu, kita dapat akan datang. Mungkin tak sekarang. Kena lah sabar. ohh usaha juga. Contoh la kalau kau nak jadi seorang yang berjaya dalam kerjaya. If kau tak usaha cari ikhtiar untuk kau laksana kan impian kau tu, takkan tetiba kau boleh jadi orang yang berjaya dalam kerjaya. Takkanlah tetiba ada wartawan sibuk cari kau nak masukkan muka kau kat dalam magazine or what, sedang kan you do nothing ! Lainlah kalau kau berjaya atas usaha orang lain. heyy excuse me ! tak malu ke ? shame on you ! *tetibe

The day will come. Just be patient. Stay calm. Stay strong. One day, you will get what you want. No matter how crazy they are, if you really want it badly, you're gonna make sure you get it, right ? :)

The Start of The New October

Assalamualaikum October. We meet again since last year. For this time, please, be nice ? Give me the best memories than last year, maybe ? I hope so :)

But today, the first day of October totally break my heart. Why October ? Is there's more thing that can break my heart in the next day ?

Mungkin ini hanya permulaan. Mungkin banyak lagi yang akan datang. Kita tak kan tahu. Kita cuma mampu bersedia untuk semuanya.

Maybe October gonna be my best month this year ? Or maybe October gonna be my worst ? Who knows. I only hope it can let me enjoy my life without any tears. Hopefully :)